“Now this is a story all about how
The crown of smooth got handed down
Why don’t you just take a minute
And look this way
I’ll tell you how he became the Prince of Smooth from the Bay”
There is no debate about one thing – Ray Allen is the King of Smooth.
No question whatsoever. Ray practically invented what it means to be smooth, with his silky-sweet jumpshot, his total lack of body hair and his constant serenity. To be fazed by a missed shot? That’s un-smooth. He’ll leave that to KG and his less smooth teammates.
However, there is no question that Ray is getting on. Eventually, as hard as it is to admit, he will have to finally retire from basketball and spend his days attending to his ladies, walking around in a velvet robe and doing whatever else the King of Smooth does with his days.
Naturally, this means that the crown must be handed down. But to who?
Do not despair, vassels of Smooth. There is a Prince waiting in the wings to receive the title once the King retires to his ladies.
His name is Stephen Curry.
(This is the part where the choirs of angels descend from the heavens, chanting his name and us less smooth people all have to bow).
How is Stephen Curry worthy of the title of Prince of Smooth, you ask?
Firstly, watch him play. Have you ever seen him do anything un-smooth on the court, like milking a charge or diving around?
Didn’t think so. So he automatically gets a tick for the smoothness of his game. Plus extra credit for his jumper, which has to be the smoothest in the game since…Ray Allen. Watch this video.
Any way you look at it, Curry’s entire life has been dedicated to the pursuit of smooth.
When he was 13, he would win shooting contests with his dad’s mates and take money from them. This would be impressive enough, then you remember that his dad’s mates were the then-Charlotte Hornets. Smooth.
When he wasn’t recruited by the big colleges out of high school, he chose to attend Davidson College. A less smooth player would have huffed and puffed about how he would “show them” and maybe gotten a tattoo or changed his jersey number to remind himself about being wronged. Not Prince Steph – he simply made his game and jumper even smoother and took his team into the Final Four of the NCAA Tournament. Smooth.
Then he was drafted to the Golden State Warriors. As everyone knows I’m a devoted fan, but even I have to admit that the organisation last year was in a state of insanity somewhere between a mental asylum and a Justin Bieber concert. Yet he kept hitting smooth jumpers, putting up smooth numbers and even led the team to a few smooth wins at the back end of last season while Monta Ellis (who is more flash than smooth) was out injured, sick or wagging depending on who you ask. Smooth.
Still not convinced? Take a look at him.
There’s a reason Warrior fans refer to Curry as the Baby Faced Assassin. Do you think that he has a body part that is less than smooth? I didn’t think so. In time, he will eventually remove the hair on his head – he hasn’t done it yet because he respects the King and doesn’t want to upstage him while he still reigns. Power plays are totally un-smooth.
But don’t be fooled by the baby face and lack of hair. Steph’s all man, and if you don’t agree with me ask these girls:
Or better yet, ask his fiancée…
(I had to work very hard to find a photo of her. Apparently her name’s Ayesha Alexander, and she’s an aspiring actress which made the struggles to find pics even stranger – clearly she’s not that kind of actress). Note to the Prince – if she turns into LaLa Vasquez and tries to drag you away from the Bay, the smooth thing to do is to hit it and quit it once she shaves your nether regions. But you knew that already.
Either way, ladies and not so gentlemen, meet your new Crown Prince of Smooth.