1. Carmelo Anthony Suits Up For NY
His intentions were clear before, after a summer of Broadway flirtation, but now they are 100% obvious. Amar’e took one step closer to his statement ‘New York Is Back’ ringing true, as Carmelo Anthony walked out in front of the Garden faithful, wearing a Knicks home jersey, all while still being a member of the Denver Nuggets! Mike D’Antoni seemed happy and attempted to get Melo into his huddle, but several Nugget officials held him back, while new Denver forward Al Harrington texted his mother, “Melo fiiinally gone lolz, more shots coming my way moms xox”. Spike Lee was admitted to Lenox Hill Hospital, suffering an apparent cardiac arrest.
While Rajon Rondo claims the upcoming CBA talks scared him to save his NBA money, no one thought he would take it to heart and look for a 2nd job. It is no surprise he found a job which caters to his speedy style though, as Rondo is now a Domino’s Pizza delivery boy. He racks up around 20 assists a night, and depending on how hungry he is, 1 steal a night. The pizza delivery job surfaced as his new line of income as his initial plan came up empty. Three weeks ago Staples Center cleaners caught Rondo climbing through the air ducts in the roof. Apparently, Rondo was sure Doc Rivers hid another stash of cash for the finals, but Doc reminded Rondo in yesterday’s press conference that they hadn’t been back to LA for him to do that yet…
3. Riley Reluctantly Replaces
It was all smiles at the press conference, but even Stevie Wonder could have noticed the nervous twitch Pat Riley was sporting, or the scratch marks on his neck. “Due to unforeseen circumstances, Miami Heat have had to reluctantly replace head coach Eric Spoelstra as he has called in his resignation this morning via cell. Pat Riley will take the reins for the time being, until a suitable replacement is found”. This now puts Pat in the driver’s seat for coaching the 2010-11 Heat to a championship ring, something he claims he had no intentions of getting at the start of the Lebron-athon.
4. Respect Down for Mike Brown
The middle school thing was cute. The ball boy stint at the Australian open was even cuter. But all along the way, we cannot forget this is a human being who’s life we are seeing gurgle down the toilet in front of us. Things became critically desperate late last week, when Cavs officials confirmed the return of Mike ‘Unable to draw up an offensive play for the greatest offensive player in the game” Brown to the team, only this time as the mascot! All I know is two things, Lebron will get a real kick out of this, and as team mascot, Mike Brown will most likely get a kick (in the butt) as well.
5. Boston duo front up in court on Summons
Written by Danis Swami, March 5th 2011 – “We didn’t think it would be that big”. These were the only words muttered by disgraced Celtic reserve Nate Robinson in district court yesterday, before an appalled jury. That was 8 words more than his counterpart, the unusually bashful Shaquille O’Neal. The two self proclaimed pranksters latest gag has caused around $2.4US in damages in downtown Boston. Gas expert Aaron Gradon explains that, “in normal circumstances the ‘lighter-near-the-buttocks prank’ has minimal effect, as the methane gas released by the average human body is nowhere near enough to create havoc, only this prank has never been completed by someone…well, so large.”
6. Raptors Take Biggest Lead
In has been a tough year for the Chris Bosh-less Toronto Raptors this season, but finally the team emerged with a defining victory. Last Tuesday versus the Sacramento Kings, there were more Raptors officials, players and coaching staff (31) than fans in the crowd (28). Although during the 1st quater even this seemed an unsurmountable task for the Raptors, before a family of 4 realised they were not in fact viewing ‘Scary Movie 5′ which they purchased tickets for. This ‘victory’ gives the team at least something to add to the 2010-11 accomplishments page this off season, which so far the marketing team had left blank.
7. Bottoms Up for Cuban, Times Up for Mikhail
It was only a matter of time. David Stern did his best to keep them apart. Advisers for both owners also made it a priority to keep them in separate rooms. Even the Maloof brothers backed out of the opportunity to be there. When the Maloofs call it a night, you know it’s a party worth avoiding. During a recent New Jersey Nets and Dallas Mavericks game, Mark Cuban and self-made Russian billionaire Mikhail Prokhorov finally hit the bar together, and in an unprecedented move, Mark Cuban won the New Jersey Nets from Prokhorov, based on a game of Paper, Rock, and Scissors. It has been revealed by a Dallas source that while Prokhorov was downing the vodka by the galleon, Cuban had switched his bottle for a water-induced version of ‘vodka’ to keep a clear mind.
8. Police to Iverson: Give me back my son or we will open fire
In a baffling addition to the troubled former NBA star’s life, Allen Iverson has been arrested in Istanbul, Turkey. Police first pulled him over to question his driving which appeared to be reckless and dangerous. When Constable Yilmaz directed Iverson to tell him his name, Yilmaz was certain A.I responded “I’ve Your Son”. After recent terror threats in the capital city, Yilmaz believed his only choice was to call for back up and alert the Jandarma (Turkish Military forces). After a 12 hour siege, 3 shots fired and a 40 bar rap from A.I , Iverson was released and his 2010 Aston Martin Vanquish returned. This is just another page in the sad demise of one of the NBA’s greatest.
9. Charlotte Bye-Cats!
In a move many say has come years too late, the Charlotte Bobcats have finally been removed from the NBA league. Contraction of the league has been an issue all season, especially with the new CBA looming all year, but the NBA announced today that MJ’s ballclub were the only ones left out in the cold for the future. This means Jordan not only blew his choice when making the #1 pick years back, but also blew it when he selected an NBA team to get involved in. Apparently all 2 of the Bobcats Australian fans (Jobba and Dwain) held a night time commemorative ceremony to mourn their loss. Gerald Wallace took the news rather hard, and decided to display his displeasure by running onto the court of the Bobcats next game with a ‘NBA CONTRACTION SUCKS’ tee. Unfortunately, Wallace slipped and suffered the 12th concussion of his career.
10. T’Wolves Get the Point
David Kahn’s track record was impressive during the early years of his tenure in Minesotta. But things have certainly fallen off the rails in the past year, as he has stockpiled point guard upon point guard upon point guard (Telfair, Ridnour, Flynn, and the draft rights to Ricky Rubio). In a move that left many NBA execs scratching their head, Kahn then attempted to trade coach Kurt Rambis to the Bucks for head coach Scott Skiles, so the team would “see the game through a PG’s eyes”. Obviously trading coaches violates the current CBA, and this was laughed out of New York where the NBA head offices are located. Perhaps Darko could start at the point – he can’t be worse than he is at centre!