So my boy Al’s got himself a new lady friend. She’s pretty cute, seems like a nice girl, all good in that regard.
However, there’s one big problem. She knows sweet FA about basketball. The NBA, the NBL, shit, even the basic rules of the game evade her. I caught them both for lunch a few days back wearing an old, worn Stephen Jackson Sydney Kings jersey (I like to claim it’s authentic, but it isn’t – I got it made) and she not only didn’t know who Captain Jack was (forgivable) but who the Kings were (unforgivable).
However, this is less of a problem than it seems. You see, having spent my hormonal years in the Land Down Under, I learnt to find a way to make your girlfriend a basketball fan. So I shared my tips with Al, and then figured I may as well share them with the rest of the world. Or at least my NBAMate homies. Plus, I might finally succeed in alienating every last female fan of our blog. (Girls, it’s nothing personal. I’m just naturally given to being an arse).
1. Start with the fancy plays
A little known fact – women love watching sport as much as men do. They just don’t have the same patience us guys have to wade through 47 minutes of iso plays and stifling D to get to the highlight reel dunks and threes. Or 79 minutes of footy for a few big hits and tries. Whatever.
The point is, your girlfriend will not become a fan unless you ease her transition into the world of basketball and the NBA. Start by showing her some epic dunks or long range 3s. As much skill as a Tim Duncan bank shot takes, it’s just not going to get her panties wet in the same way Dwight Howard DUNKING OVER THREE MOTHERFUCKERS WILL. (Sorry about that. Whenever I talk about Dwight I occasionally lapse into all caps. Not sure why. I also shout it as I type.)
Hint – if she’s getting her panties wet over Dwight Howard it may be a sign you need to hit the gym.
Dwight Howard dunking over three motherfuckers
2. Once you move into full games, go with the most fun teams to watch
With all due respect, you aren’t going to create an NBA fan out of anyone with “Detroit Pistons: The 2004 Title Run” or “The Best of Knicks-Heat: 1990s”. (Rob – the 2004 Pistons were one of my favourite non-Warrior teams along with the C-Webb/White Chocolate Kings of the late 90s/early 2000s, so don’t think I’m hatin’.) If you have a lot of games on DVD like I have, the Run-TMC Warriors (not just because I’m a fanboy), 7 Seconds or Less Suns and the Showtime Lakers (although this may have a dangerous side effect of making her a Laker fan) are all recommendations. I also suggest the aforementioned Kings teams, however they may have the side effect that she begins to think Jason Williams is sexy. My buddy Fish figured out how to use this to his advantage by having his ex wear his old Kings #55 to bed when they were together. He wore the Chris Webber #4. I don’t know what’s more disturbing – the fact that they made love wearing the jerseys of former teammates, or the fact that I know this.
Point being, you gotta make her think that basketball is fun. The best way to do so is to show her the most fun games you have. Defense and fundamentals be danmed.
C-Webb and J-Will getting to first base
3. If you can, score some really good tickets for an NBL game and take her
There are few sporting experiences quite like courtside at a professional basketball game. The atmosphere, the anticipation, the dancers (OK, your cause will not be helped if you spend most of the game checking out the dancers)…they could make a fan out of anyone. Plus, the better tickets you get the better advertisement for your financial situation, which might make her more inclined to stay with you even if you sleep in a faded Chris Mullin throwback jersey which costs more than most of the rest of your wardrobe put together.
Just don’t try getting courtside seats for the first Sydney Kings game. I’m spending three weeks’ pay for two of those. Hopefully she doesn’t take the seats as meaning I’m a rich c**t. Cause I’m not.
And if she’s still not a fan? What am I, the relationship doctor? I’ve never had to figure it out past these three steps. Let’s just say that by this point she realizes what the Hindi tattoo on my back means and why I have it. (For the record – it translates to We Believe).
So for all you guys out there, follow these three easy steps and you might just be able to make your girlfriend into a basketball fan.
What about the girls? Well, if any of you are still reading and want to know how to make your boyfriends basketball fans, it’s pretty simple. Just tell him that if he won’t watch with you, you won’t give him oral sex that night. And he has to wash the dishes and give you a foot massage. If he complies, wear his favourite team’s jersey (of any sport) to bed that night. We love that.
Disclaimer: Ash takes no responsibility for any sexual harassment lawsuits, relationship break-ups, bankruptcies, steroid abuse, domestic violence or any other deviant behaviours that occur after reading this article. And if the tips don’t work for you, well, dump her arse. Unless it’s an exceptionally sexy arse, then dump it and send me her mobile number.